Black and White Thinking: How My ADHD Brain Sees Social Relationships

Picture this: My new coworker brings me coffee on my first day. In my mind, she instantly becomes my work best friend, the most thoughtful person in the office, someone I'll definitely invite to my next birthday party. Fast forward to the following week when she forgets to include me in a lunch invitation, and suddenly I'm convinced she secretly dislikes me and the coffee was just pity.

Welcome to the world of black and white thinking with ADHD.

The All-or-Nothing Perspective

One of the less discussed aspects of having ADHD is how it can affect the way we perceive relationships. For me, people tend to fall into clear-cut categories: amazing friends or complete disappointments, with very little room for the messy middle ground that actually represents most human connections.

This dichotomous thinking pattern means I often see situations in extremes. A social interaction is either a spectacular success or a humiliating disaster. A friendship is either perfect or failing. There's rarely an in-between in my emotional perception.

When Emotions Amplify Everything

Here's where things get interesting (and challenging): those of us with ADHD often experience emotions more intensely than others. When you combine heightened emotions with black and white thinking, it creates what I call the "emotional pendulum effect."

A small compliment can make me feel like I'm on top of the world, convinced this person is my soulmate friend. But a minor perceived slight—someone not responding to my text quickly enough or giving me a somewhat distracted "hello"—can send me spiraling into feelings of rejection and thoughts that they must hate me.

The intensity of these emotions makes the black and white perspectives feel completely real and justified in the moment, even when the logical part of my brain knows I'm overreacting.

The Friendship Rollercoaster

This tendency has created some interesting patterns in my friendships over the years:

I've been known to dive headfirst into new friendships with incredible enthusiasm, texting constantly and making plans for multiple hang-outs in the first week of knowing someone. (Hello, ADHD impulsivity!)

When friends show normal human imperfection—canceling plans due to illness or being distracted during a conversation—I've sometimes interpreted this as a catastrophic sign that our friendship is over.

I've had to work hard to recognize that most relationships exist in shades of gray. People can be good friends who occasionally disappoint you. They can have qualities you both love and find challenging.

Finding Balance Through Awareness

Understanding this aspect of my ADHD brain has been transformative for my relationships. Here's what helps me manage these tendencies:

When I notice myself making absolute judgments about someone, I try to pause and ask myself: "Is there a middle ground perspective I'm missing here?"

I've learned to wait before acting on strong emotional reactions to social situations. Sometimes writing down my thoughts helps me see when I'm falling into black and white patterns.

I practice self-compassion when I catch myself in these thinking patterns. This isn't a character flaw—it's how my brain is wired.

I'm fortunate to have a few close friends who understand this aspect of my ADHD. Being able to say "my brain is doing the black and white thing again" helps me step back and gain perspective.

Living with this tendency isn't always easy, but awareness is the first step to creating more stable, nuanced relationships. I'm learning that most friendships aren't perfect or terrible—they're beautifully, complicatedly human.

Do you experience black and white thinking in your social relationships? I'd love to hear how you navigate this challenge in the comments below!