I have autism and ADHD. Finally I understand why I have few friends
Friendships have always been a puzzle I couldn't solve. Growing up, I watched others effortlessly connect while I struggled to fit in, never quite understanding why. It wasn't until my recent diagnosis of autism and ADHD that everything started making sense. If you've ever felt like an outsider looking in at social gatherings, or wondered why your attempts at making friends often fall flat, I get it. Today, I want to share my journey of self-discovery and help you understand how neurodivergent traits can impact your social connections.
My Journey with Autism
Your path to self-discovery often starts with questions. In my case, I spent years wondering why I felt so different from everyone else. I struggled with social interactions, found comfort in specific routines, and experienced sensory overload in crowded places. These experiences shaped my daily life, but I couldn't explain why until I started researching autism.
Discovering My Diagnosis
On my 28th birthday, I finally received my dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD. The revelation came after months of assessments, questionnaires, and conversations with mental health professionals. I learned that about 30-80% of people with autism also have ADHD, which explained so many of my challenges with focus, organization, and social interaction.
Understanding My Experiences
After getting my diagnosis, pieces of my life's puzzle started falling into place. I understood why I felt overwhelmed at parties, why I struggled to maintain eye contact, and why I found comfort in my special interests. The diagnosis helped me recognize that my brain simply works differently - it's not broken or wrong, just unique.
Another aspect that became clear was my difficulty in maintaining friendships. I realized my tendency to miss social cues, my challenges with small talk, and my need for alone time weren't personal flaws. Studies show that 79% of autistic adults experience social isolation, helping me understand that my experiences were shared by many others in the neurodivergent community.
Navigating ADHD
While living with ADHD, I often feel like I'm trying to catch butterflies with a broken net. My brain jumps from thought to thought, making it hard to maintain conversations or follow through with plans. I've learned that about 70% of adults with ADHD struggle with social relationships, and I'm definitely one of them. Sometimes I interrupt people mid-sentence or forget important dates, not because I don't care, but because my mind works differently.
The Challenges I Face
With ADHD affecting my daily interactions, I find myself battling common obstacles like losing track of time during conversations, forgetting what someone just said, or becoming overwhelmed in social settings. I often notice myself fidgeting or looking around when others are speaking, which can make them feel ignored. My impulsivity sometimes leads me to say things without thinking, creating awkward moments I wish I could take back.
Finding My Focus
Focus has become my personal project, and I'm discovering ways to manage my attention better. I've started using noise-canceling headphones in busy environments, setting timers for social interactions, and being honest with friends about my needs. These strategies help me stay present and engaged when connecting with others.
For instance, I've created a system that works for me: I schedule shorter meetups instead of long social gatherings, take breaks when needed, and choose quieter locations for conversations. I use my phone's calendar religiously and set reminders for everything. When I feel overwhelmed, I've learned it's okay to say, "I need a moment to process that." These small adjustments have made a big difference in how I maintain friendships.
Social Interactions
Assuming you're like me, navigating social situations feels like trying to solve a complex puzzle without having all the pieces. I've always wondered why casual conversations that seem effortless for others feel so overwhelming to me. With both autism and ADHD, I process social cues differently, making it challenging to keep up with fast-paced social interactions and understand unspoken rules.
Why Friendships Feel Difficult
An overwhelming aspect of my daily life is maintaining friendships. Research shows that 79% of adults with autism report feeling lonely. I often find myself exhausted after social interactions, struggling to balance my need for connection with my need for solitude. My ADHD makes it hard to stay in touch consistently, while my autism affects how I read social situations.
Misunderstandings with Others
Among the biggest challenges I face are the constant misunderstandings in my social interactions. I often take things literally, missing sarcasm or subtle hints. Studies indicate that 80% of autistic individuals struggle with understanding non-verbal communication. When you tell me something, I'll believe exactly what you say, not what you might be implying.
Further complicating these interactions, I've noticed that my responses might seem blunt or inappropriate to others. My ADHD can make me interrupt conversations or change topics abruptly, while my autism influences how I express empathy. I might appear uninterested when I'm actually deeply engaged, just processing information differently than you'd expect.
The Emotional Side
Keep in mind that my journey with autism and ADHD has shaped my emotional landscape in unique ways. I often experience feelings more intensely than others, making social interactions overwhelming. My brain processes emotional cues differently, which can make it challenging to connect with people on an emotional level. You might relate to feeling everything deeply while struggling to express those emotions in ways others understand.
Feelings of Isolation
One of the hardest parts of having autism and ADHD is feeling like I'm watching the world through a glass wall. I see everyone connecting, laughing, and forming friendships so easily, while I'm stuck trying to decode the unwritten rules of social interaction. Studies show that 79% of adults with autism report feeling isolated, and I'm definitely part of that statistic.
Coping with Loneliness
One thing I've learned is that managing loneliness requires a toolbox of strategies. I find comfort in online communities where I can connect with others who share my experiences. When social situations become overwhelming, I give myself permission to step back and recharge. You don't have to force yourself to socialize in ways that drain you.
Even though traditional friendships might be challenging, I've discovered alternative ways to build connections. I join special interest groups where I can focus on shared passions rather than small talk. I use apps designed for neurodivergent people to meet others who understand my communication style. Writing this blog helps me reach out to others who might be going through similar experiences.
Strategies for Building Connections
To overcome my social challenges with autism and ADHD, I've learned that building meaningful connections requires a structured approach. I now understand that my brain works differently, and that's perfectly okay. By focusing on my interests and being authentic about my neurodivergent traits, I've discovered ways to connect with others who share similar experiences.
Finding Like-Minded Individuals
The best path I've found to friendship is through shared interests and experiences. I connect with other neurodivergent people through online communities, local support groups, and hobby-based meetups. Studies show that 15-20% of the population is neurodivergent, so I'm definitely not alone in my journey.
Tips for Effective Communication
By understanding my communication style, I've developed strategies that work for me:
I give myself permission to take breaks during social interactions
I practice active listening by making notes if needed
I use clear, direct communication instead of trying to read between the lines
After implementing these strategies, I've noticed significant improvements in my social interactions.
Indeed, managing social communication becomes easier with practice and the right tools:
I set realistic expectations for social encounters
I prepare conversation topics in advance
I choose quieter environments when possible
I'm honest about my needs and limitations
After embracing these approaches, I've found that authentic connections are more achievable than I once thought.
Embracing My Identity
After years of masking and trying to fit in, discovering my neurodivergent identity was like finding a missing puzzle piece. I finally understood why I process information differently, why I get overwhelmed in social situations, and why I have specific interests that I can talk about for hours. Now, I see my autism and ADHD not as barriers but as integral parts of who I am.
Celebrating My Uniqueness
Uniqueness isn't just a buzzword for me - it's my superpower. My ability to notice details others miss, my creative problem-solving skills, and my intense focus on topics I love make me who I am. Instead of trying to change these traits, I've learned to harness them. My different way of thinking brings fresh perspectives that others appreciate.
Learning to Love Myself
An amazing transformation happened when I stopped viewing my differences as flaws. I discovered that my direct communication style, need for routine, and passionate interests aren't weaknesses - they're valuable traits that make me authentic. Understanding my neurodivergent brain helped me develop self-acceptance.
With this newfound self-awareness, I've created strategies that work for me. I schedule alone time to recharge, use noise-canceling headphones when needed, and connect with other neurodivergent people who understand my experiences. I've found online communities where I can be myself without masking, and I'm learning that true friendship comes from authentic connections, not from trying to be someone I'm not.
To wrap up
With this in mind, I now understand that my autism and ADHD aren't flaws, but rather unique aspects of who I am. If you're experiencing similar challenges, know that your brain simply works differently, and that's perfectly okay. I've learned that making friends might take more time and effort for me, but it's not impossible. By accepting myself and being open about my needs, I can build meaningful connections at my own pace. The right people will appreciate me for exactly who I am, and I'm excited to discover these connections in my own unique way.
FAQ
Q: Why do people with autism and ADHD often struggle to make friends?
A: People with autism and ADHD face unique social challenges due to differences in: • Processing social cues and body language • Managing conversation flow and timing • Dealing with sensory overload in social situations • Maintaining focus during interactions • Understanding unwritten social rules
Q: How does having both autism and ADHD affect social interactions differently than having just one condition?
A: The combination creates a "double impact" where: 1. ADHD can make you interrupt or struggle to focus on conversations 2. Autism can make it hard to read social cues and express emotions 3. Together, they can cause overwhelming social anxiety and confusion 4. Social situations require extra mental energy to navigate both sets of challenges
Q: What are common misunderstandings others have about people with autism and ADHD in social situations?
A: People often mistakenly believe that: • Lack of eye contact means disinterest • Interrupting means being rude • Difficulty with small talk means unfriendliness • Need for alone time means antisocial behavior • Sensory sensitivity means being "too picky"
Q: How can I explain my social differences to potential friends?
A: Consider these effective approaches: 1. Be direct but positive about your needs 2. Share specific examples of how your brain works differently 3. Explain what helps you feel comfortable in social situations 4. Let them know how they can support you 5. Emphasize your strengths and unique perspectives
Q: What strategies can help me build and maintain friendships?
A: Try these proven techniques: • Join groups focused on your special interests • Use social media to connect initially • Schedule regular, structured activities • Set clear boundaries about social energy limits • Practice active listening techniques • Follow up with text messages when face-to-face is overwhelming
Q: Where can I find friends who better understand neurodivergent perspectives?
A: Explore these supportive environments: • Online neurodivergent communities • Special interest clubs and groups • Support groups for autism/ADHD • Gaming communities • Art or music workshops • Science and technology meetups • Online forums focused on your interests
Q: How can I maintain my energy levels while building friendships?
A: Implement these energy-management strategies: 1. Schedule regular alone time for recharging 2. Start with shorter social interactions 3. Choose quieter meeting places 4. Be honest about your needs for breaks 5. Set boundaries on social media communication 6. Plan activities that align with your interests and comfort level 7. Listen to your body's signals about social overwhelm
